I know nobody likes it, but sometimes, we just can’t stop thinking that everything is about us – or at least – that we’re always involved in just about anything in everything. Hence, our tendency to take things personally.
But hey, let’s get things straight… We all live on this planet where we’re responsible separately for our own lives, so… do we honestly think that someone would go out of their way just to do something that will set us off?
Well, would you?
DIGGING DEEPER
What I mentioned above, is exactly what I want to dig deep into today.
Like if you think the answer to either of the above is a yes, there are probably many explanations to that. One can be – we’re set to be suspicious of our surroundings so we’re set to always be defensive – considering that our ancestors were always worried if animals are about to eat them, and that’s every human’s standard setting.
OUR STANDARD SETTING – HOW WE’RE MADE
We’re generally made to be prepared to fight or flight. Remember that before anything else in this world, there were only humans and animals, and the only goal is to survive.
Given that, it only means that our instinct is to be set on the negative – so if we hear something that CAN be interpreted negatively, we either see it as a threat or something destructive automatically.
WHAT IT REALLY IS
Now that it’s clear how our instinct is set to be negative, it is sometimes mostly just in vain because most people are more occupied – with what others think of them – and not with how or what they think about you.
So no matter who we are, we will react that way at some point in our lives, regardless of who or where we hear it from – it never feels good. The only difference is, for some it happens often and for others, it doesn’t.
STEPS TO TAKE TO not take things personally
Taking things personally affects us negatively and induces stress in our lives – most of the time for no real reason.
Imagine if you could find ways around this, satisfying – right?
That’s why I have compiled a list of things to do to lessen the chances of taking everything personally.
Below is a mix of a few things I have gathered and personally done successfully.
1. Take a look at WHY you keep taking things personally.
Questions that you can ask yourself to help are:
- Are you a highly sensitive person, someone who reacts with more feelings than the average person on earth?
- How was your day? Did something happen or are you having a bad one?
- Do you carry sorrows from the past that popped up again?
- Do you feel the criticism is valid and you somehow feel bad?
Ponder a moment about these reasons – anything that comes to your mind. Putting them into this light might help you not to take it so personally next time.
Remember, awareness and acknowledgment are the first steps towards change – to know what we need to change.
But if it can’t be changed, it is time to practice acceptance. Acceptance of what cannot be changed is a great way to feel less stressed.
2. Another thing you can do is to put yourself in the other person’s shoes, and assess from their POV.
People say things a bit harsh or itchy when they themselves are not feeling all well, and at times like this most words come out without having thought about it.
I am sure you too have been in those situations at times, having one of those days but you know yourself what you realize afterward, so, it don’t hurt give them the benefit of the doubt.
So next time you feel hurt – think about their current situation and it might be clear it is not about you – instead about them.
3. Talking about being in other people’s shoes – maybe it is time to get into your own.
Take a look at what triggers you.
What are your sensitive areas in life? We usually know at heart but it is hard to say out loud. Think about why – maybe you just aren’t ready with that subject in your mind yet and don’t want others to influence you in your opinion or decisions.
Try to learn and grow. Who are you and what do you stand for? Ponder…..
4. Accept that sometimes the things you take personally are real criticism, and everyone can have differing opinions.
I know that this can be harder to take in and shrug off.
But maybe it’s a good time to reflect. See it from your point of view AND try to see it from the other person’s point of view. Maybe it’s just a clash of beliefs and ideas but nothing other than a healthy discussion?
It is not the end of the world if you don’t see eye to eye or you or someone does something wrong – as long as we all learn from it.
Remember the quote from Aristotle “There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing”.
5. If you do get criticism for something you feel was unfair – then you can ask for clarification.
So many times when people share their thoughts, differing opinions come out and debate happens – but oftentimes it’s majorly because of the lack of listening and understanding.
So instead of dwelling in your own misery and feeling pity for yourself – start a conversation. Explain to each other in the best possible way trying to avoid the usage of words that can sound offensive, you know how with an open heart and mind plus a gentle mouth, everything can be communicated?
6. Take Deep Breaths, and keep on breathing until you feel a bit at ease.
Not everyone knows, but taking deep breaths is a very powerful tool to feel calm. Feeling angry, feeling bad? Take deep breaths! Try and see how powerful it is.
Also, the best thing is to always practice this breathing tool every day – then it will pop up for you automatically when you feel stress creeping up on you.
Taking these breaths will make you grounded in the now and, that will help you see things more clearly – and maybe you then don’t need to take it personally even if it triggers you.
So practice, practice, practice – makes it perfect – or at least better.
7. Sometimes the right thing to do is to open up.
Who knows? Telling them about it might actually help so that they know how to carefully pick their words next time. And it’s a plus if they’re mature enough to see it as something not offensive (being called out) and normal.
When doing this it is good to use the method where you talk in the “I feel, I felt…” form. Saying what you felt – and not solely focusing on what they did wrong.
That way, you can keep it on a level where it doesn’t end up as a heated conversation and just keep it as it is, an open conversation.
8. Try to remember to focus on the positive. Always!
Feelings are contagious – positive and negative. Let’s focus on the positive. If you learn to tend to move towards the positive even when things go wrong or you feel hurt by someone’s doings, you will experience so many fewer moments that hurt.
The positive feeling will help you to stay calm in your mind and maybe get a moment to think and realize that the hurt is not worth it, and you can move on without going into that rabbit hole.
If you’re curious about how feelings are contagious, see my relevant blog post.
9. If you often feel offended by some people then maybe it is time to look at who is in your surroundings.
Like I said earlier emotions are contagious so being with people who send out the wrong emotions for you, will rub it off on you and will maybe make you feel that they are against you.
If you are spending a lot of time with a highly stressed person, you will soon also increase your level of stress. The same goes for if you spend time with happy people it is easier for you to feel happiness.
So maybe it is time for you to take a deeper look into your network AND to distance yourself from the negative ones, the ones making you feel bad (okay – don’t take this personally – not everyone is made for each other).
Sometimes it is hard to distance yourself from people because you are dependent on them or they are family.
Then you need to work with acceptance AND combine it with not getting in touch more often than necessary.
10. Last but not least – NEVER let all these feelings turn negatively towards yourself.
Remember – you live your life and everybody else lives their lives. We do need others around to feel good and secure. Best if we can find like-minded people.
Still, if you love yourself, feeling good about who you are and what you are doing will much more likely make you feel not so easily offended by others’ thoughts and you will not keep taking things personally – because you know that is not YOU.
BONUS: Here’s another guide that can help you navigate through your negative feelings better.
To your success and keep smiling,
