If there is one where you always don’t want to lash out at times of stress, that’s family. Why? Because you know how you always want to treasure them, and never hurt them. But as we all know…
“Families are like fudge…mostly sweet with lots of nuts.”
OUR FAMILY IS FOREVER
All along our lives, we can choose who we want to be with, or who we want to call friends – or enemies for that sake – but our families, they’re who they are and we could never choose who our parents, siblings, grandparents, kids, or relatives are gonna be – instead they’re given.
We’re born into those connections to our immediate family members who are going to be the longest connections in our lives – then we have our relatives.
And while what I’m going to talk about doesn’t apply to everyone, it doesn’t mean that it’s non-existent.
THE DIFFERENCES WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH
I know some of you have totally different circumstances and you will maybe not agree with me at all – I talk in general terms about how we as humans function in general.
Since we have not chosen our relatives there might be discrepancies and that’s alright, and sometimes we feel like we don’t feel the “love” for some of them – and that’s totally normal too and you don’t have to feel bad about it and I’ll tell you why.
THE MIGHTY EXPECTATIONS
Growing up as a kid, one of the most toxic things that ruin a child’s self-esteem is the mighty expectations some relatives bring up at EVERY family gathering.
- “When you grow up, you have to be a lawyer because you come from a family of lawyers and you have to continue your legacy.”
- “You have to take over the family’s farm after schooling because that’s the family business for generations.
- Etc, etc…
THE DEEP-ROOTED PARADIGMS
These are deep-rooted paradigms in everybody’s minds – and you are not allowed to break that pattern.
But maybe you have totally other plans, but then that will make everyone disappointed, and you will be THAT ungrateful kid after they’ve given everything to support you.
BEHIND ALL THE EXPECTATIONS…
As the young, what we mostly don’t understand is where the expectations stem from…
But what we don’t know is that behind those expectations, mostly it’s out of goodwill and that they want us to succeed.
The problem is… they only see part of it, our lives, or your life. You may have achieved so many other things but just not THAT particular whatever.
MY FAIR SHARE
My mom was of that kind. She was the best and most caring person and I loved her dearly (she is now gone for almost 10 years), but she had this habit of always asking about the things I had NOT done.
I had probably mentioned something in rebuttal that made her think otherwise, but hey, I was able to come up with something by never getting angry and without coming off rude. I just simply tried to mention all the things I had done and lead the conversation towards that.
Still, she was an expert at coming back to my – in her mind – failures. And that was stressful (but I forgive you mom – you were a great mom in so many other ways).
EXPECTATIONS DON’T END THERE
The mighty expectations do not end in what you have or have not achieved in life, but it extends down to whether you have a partner, get married, or have kids!
Ah, it all sounds so crazy having people sticking their noses out about all these things every time you meet.
GATHERINGS END UP BEING STRESSFUL
Holidays that were supposed to be a fun celebration, random family meetups, and other tiny or big gatherings end up being stressful instead of just being a lovely one, right?!
Plus it becomes worse when somebody you just met (maybe the partner of your cousin or whoever) also starts poking your back – ugh!
HOW YOU CAN STAY STILL AND CALM
What you can do – in all these situations is to stay calm.
“Oh my gosh, calm, how?!”
Breathe in and breathe out – get into the now – take control of yourself – because that is where you can make the best of this, where you can think and make sound decisions.
By being aware of the challenge and always trying to be your best self you can handle so much more stress from other people’s behavior.
“What does that even mean?”
FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN CHANGE.
And before you say “I don’t have to change my behavior to please other people”, that is not what I mean.
What I’m saying is… changing for your peace of mind.
TAKE TIME TO REFLECT
You can control yourself and change your interpretation of things, you can control how you think and respond – which means instead of getting agitated, find the right unaggressive words that will engage you in a healthy conversation instead of an argument.
And yes, they still might not like it because it’s not in accordance with their point of view, and they might show firmly how they’re against it.
PRIORITIZE YOUR SANITY
Your job is to keep yourself in a good state of mind and tell your point of view, show respect to theirs, and agree to disagree. But then in the worst-case scenario and they try to pick an argument to change your POV, just smile and say you’ve made your point and walk away before more hurtful words get exchanged.
If things go sideways…
You have to find a way of acceptance, and figure a way to wrap your head around things but remember:
You are one step ahead because you took the first step to stand up for yourself, and saw how whoever reacted – you now know where to start.
In general, your goal for your network is to be around people who will make you grow, and who make you feel good.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FORCE THE IMPOSSIBLE
Once again – build up a good sense for yourself, YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT to be you and believe in your own choice of beliefs.
A healthy discussion is normal, but repeated heated arguments say something.
Just remember, you don’t have to solve all the problems between all your relatives, because as long as you’ve done your part – the problem is them and not you, so the fix must come from them too.
What’s important is that…
You are responsible for yourself, doing your best to be nice, honest, and human – and don’t forget to smile, it works magic every time.
GET HELP IF YOU NEED
If it feels hard to decide what you want to do on your own – get a mentor. Reach out if you need help. It is always important and there will always be things that you can support.
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To your success and keep smiling,
