Two words: Grief, and Memories. Two words with different meanings but will always be bound to be together as after the grief, comes the memories. The question is, are you willing to let the grief turn into beautiful recollections or let it eat you and lose yourself in the process?
MY STORY
May 27, 1987, when I was in Labor. My first child, our first child – was on her way out of me. The pregnancy had been really tough. I was very nauseated and I didn’t think that I was growing enough.
I was a medical student and the people around me told me that I was just reading too much and putting much into it, but I didn’t have any kids prior so I don’t really don’t know well. To be fair, I didn’t know of course, because it was my first pregnancy. But there was something that was kind of held off…
Anyway, back to the story – on May 12, 35 years ago… Our daughter was born and she came out tiny. Dave, my husband, ran out with her right to the intensive care just not telling us anything and after some hours I gotta see her in the breathing machine with all those needles and things all over her little body in this little glass box, and that’s where she was until when she was three weeks old.
That time was tough. I was staying in the maternity ward without a child with me so I got all the glances as if I wasn’t supposed to be there so I really had no support. It was like everybody expected me to know everything just because I was a medical student – forgetting that I was also just a new mother with a newborn who was very ill.
MY JOY AND MY GRIEF
Fast forward to when I got to bring her home – she was 3 weeks old and I was breastfeeding – everything seemed to work perfectly at the beginning. We were even able to bring her out with us for the first time in her 4th week after living her first few weeks in the hospital. Then comes the unexpected… Heart failure at seven weeks.
What in the world? I knew there was something off but I just couldn’t pinpoint what it was. I was a first-time mother but it is true after all, you get the maternal instincts immediately so you better listen to your feelings despite what others think.
Since the heart failure, it was then figured that she’s got a kidney problem caused by a genetic disorder – and the worst thing??? No treatment is available! So what were our options? Maybe a transplant, they said. But I was a medical student, and I know that the chance of that working is close to none and that we were just provided that option because everyone around me believed that everything was going to be okay.
INTO THE DEEP DARK HOLE
When she was nine weeks old, my brother who had schizophrenia for around 10 years committed suicide – my and my family’s world fell apart.
Another week went by, there were all these preparations for my brother’s funeral, and then exactly one week later on the Monday that my brother died, my baby daughter, all of a sudden died too.
What happened to me???? You’d never want to imagine. Just into a black hole – a very, very, very black hole. And that was the most stressful thing I could ever think that would happen. I was in bed for two days, and couldn’t even get out to go to my brother’s funeral.
THE GOOD SAMARITAN
Two days later, a neighbor of mine dragged me out just to go to the shop to buy some bread and share some moral lessons. Yes, that was a very tough time for me. When I was out on the streets, all the people I came across didn’t know how to treat me – like the moment they see me they’ll just go to the other side (I couldn’t blame them, maybe they did not know what to say), but of course, all I wanted was for them to say “Hi, I see you, I hear you, I am here” – but then maybe again, easier said than done.
MY FIRST STEP TO HEALING
I then grabbed one of my friends to come with me to a store – to buy my FIRST black dress. Yes, it was my first black dress as I have never in my life worn one – it just ain’t my color. So I put the black dress on, and for some reason, it felt good, like a relief.
Reason being? Grief process. As I’ve said, never in my life have I worn a black dress (blue, and shades near that are more of “me” than black is), so the feeling of wearing that black dress for the first time kind of put me in a bubble-like it was just a dream – but in reality, my first step of going through the “Grieving Process”.
My brother’s funeral… Then came the funeral of my little baby – it was beautiful. I wanted to take the casket home, but my husband reminded me to let go and keep her in a “good memory” for ourselves.
SLOWLY BUT SURELY…
We then went on a trip where I realized that it probably was the second step of my grieving process – just feeling it, but this time, beautifully and with acceptance. Do you know how soothing it feels to just be slow on the road, and be out in the wilderness? It was therapeutic: Nature, fresh air, and just getting out there to breathe.
Fast forward to a couple of months after everything – I finally was able to take my real (last) exam, got my medical license, got a job, and started working. Yay! Everything’s slowly, but surely getting better.
MY REALIZATIONS
Every day before going to sleep, I think and reflect on everything – and in the end, I decided to take care of myself, have a daily routine, eat good food, and exercise. While doing all these, I realized that “self-care” is actually my way of dealing with my stress, and can actually be considered “treatment”, or basically, a way to de-stress.
Then came the realization: If I who had all these what I could say were beyond worse experiences, was able to get out of that deep dark hole and get back up, what’s the reason others can’t?
Maybe they find it hard because they don’t know what to do, maybe they have no strong support system, or maybe, it’s just because they lack the awareness of what self-care can do.
SELF-CARE and ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
Self-care doesn’t mean doing everything by yourself. Acknowledging that you need help from other people is also a form of self-care. As the famous John Donne says, “No Man Is an Island”.
So as someone who’s committed to self-care, I scheduled sessions with a psychologist, to further help me get better by providing the necessary support that I need. As someone working in healthcare to tend to other people, I must make sure that I myself am well-cared for.
IMPORTANCE OF HONESTY
One important thing in all these is for you to remember the importance of being honest and out in the open with someone you trust who in my case was my back the psychologist.
Being honest and open just makes everything better. An unexpected strong support system comes in, and you’ll be surprised how big of a help they’re going to partake in your journey.
UNTIL ONE DAY…
You’ll just be shocked how the grief has turned into wonderful memories and beautiful stories with a lot of lessons you’re going to take with you for the rest of your life. That everything may not be back to where it’s supposed to be, but at least you know that now, it’s better.
As for me, it was a time that I could freely talk about her, and every time I mention her I imagined her photo attached to the wall together with ours – and who would have known that after that, I got three more beautiful girls.
THE LESSON
Grieving can be good, as it is the first step in the process of healing. We grieve for a lot of different things or reasons, and it may keep us from moving forward – but we must remember that nobody heals without going through its tormenting process.
Allow yourself to grieve, until you can one day accept the way things are, and then you can live with it in peace, knowing that what caused your grief once, has now turned into a beautiful recollection of the past.
YOU ARE NOT ON YOUR OWN
Whatever it is, always remember you’re not on your own and that people are just waiting for you to ask. Plus, there is no harm in asking.
Here’s also something you can check out to help you work on your mental strength.
Hoping for your healing,
