Post-event blues… what are they and how do we deal with them?
A STORY TO SHARE
Some years ago, I was in the States and I was gonna speak for the Swedish-American Chamber of Commerce.
It was a big thing for me to travel and have a talk somewhere in the middle of nowhere…
And I had arranged with the lady holding the event that she would come and get me at this specific time in the evening…
And past 15, then 30 minutes after the agreed time – nobody’s still coming.
I sent messages and called until she finally got back to me and said:
“Oh, I didn’t think we were in a hurry. I’ve been here at this location and we’re all fine so I’ll come and get you in a little while.” And I was like, “what happened to our agreed-upon time?”
Fast forward to where I already got picked up, and all of us have settled at the place where we’re supposed to stay… and the day that I presented.
THE DAY OF MY PRESENTATION
I did my presentation, sold a few books, and went back to my hotel.
Then… It was quite late in the evening, and I was exhausted, really really exhausted because there had been so much tension – when she didn’t come to get me on time, other things after that, and then the presentation itself.
Went to bed straight away and fell asleep.
THE MORNING AFTER
The morning after my presentation…I surprisingly felt so depressed.
I just cried for so long feeling so low. Went down to the lobby to get breakfast, brought it up to the room, and just continued crying while not really understanding what was going on.
WHAT I DID DURING THE BLUES
I sent a message to my speaker mentor, saying I don’t know what was happening and what was going on but that I was just sooo sad and I received the response that it was all normal and advised me to just relax, take a walk, and all will be fine.
IT’S ALL NORMAL
Who’d have thought that it was such a relief to hear from him that it was all normal and that I wasn’t going crazy, and not really depressed in that sense?
And that what I was feeling was just all normal – a reaction because of all the tension that I was feeling the day before.
Now, going to the real deal…
HOW CAN WE MANAGE POST-EVENT BLUES?
1. Be Grateful
According to studies, gratitude thinking can substantially shift our thought patterns from negative to positive, causing a surge of feel-good hormones and even helping us foster more positive connections.
So every day when you wake up, try to start your day with gratitude. Be grateful for the simple fact you woke up that day, and at the end of your day, think of 3 things you’re grateful for that day.
2. Set aside time to relax immediately after your performance.
It may or may not sound cliche to some, but taking the time to relax after your performance and the event is a must.
Sit down, breathe, and relax.
3. Check your notes while they’re fresh.
Read the feedback, and take notes while they’re fresh. Say after your performance, reflect and jot down what went well and what you could have done better – doing this will make it clear right here and there and will give you the feeling that you know you did well and can always do better next time.
4. Be sure to wrap things up properly
I know how tempting it is to just jump right away onto your next project or things to do, but never forget the importance of being able to properly wrap the event.
Leaving a good ending is vital for both the audience and you. You know they’ll remember, and also you won’t end up stressing about how you forgot to do things necessary – things like invoices, contracts, the things you need to bring. Things like this can trigger you to break down when forgotten.
5. Interact with friends and family
You probably didn’t have that much time to connect with people during the preparation, so after your performance is the right time to interact with them. Treat them to coffee and celebrate, or just let them know you did well. Get in touch and it will help you feel better.
6. Treat it as a learning experience
Remember that every opportunity you get is an opportunity to learn. Write down, reflect, plan on how you could do better next time, and bring home the lessons together with the experience.
You know how they say experience is the best teacher, right?
7. Go back to your daily routine
When you’re preparing for things, this is one of the first things you get to sacrifice. After the event, it’s now time to re-introduce yourself to your routines.
Maybe you haven’t been exercising or watching your favorite shows anymore, or going for that quick walk or run outside – it’s now time to go back to the things you enjoy.
So when you’ve finally re-adjusted again… it’s time to:
8. Create new goals
“If you fail to plan, you plan to fail” – Benjamin Franklin.
Planning and setting up new goals is great for motivating yourself to take the road you just took but this time better and stronger, whether that is another event or just individual goals outside of work.
GET HELP IF YOU NEED
If it feels hard to decide what you want to do on your own – get a mentor. Reach out if you need help. It is always important and there will always be things that you can support.
Check HERE to see if you feel like we’re a good fit.
Taking a step back… sounds like getting behind, but it’s actually really helpful as it helps you see the bigger picture and plan better.
So what does that have to do with stress management? Well, just about everything.
I TOOK A STEP BACK
So the reason that I chose this topic today, is because I myself recently took a step back – and it’s for the better.
I was supposed to go to the States to United States and I didn’t. A big jump over the sea, right?
I’ve been planning this for months and months, and I was really looking forward to going there to meet with friends that I’ve made a couple of years back in the same kind of event that is for female ladies and business people in the States.
AND WHEN THE DAY’S ALMOST THERE…
Just about when the day was coming, it ran a couple of days before I started to get all these messages:
“You have to sign that you are healthy and don’t have Covid, etc., etc…”
You know it’s the liabilities about me taking responsibility for everything that will happen, and it
was from the companies – one for the overflight and one in local, the hotel where I was gonna stay, the hotel where the event was, and the organization that was holding this event.
So I got these five paper documents that I was supposed to fill in…
and I started to think:
“What am I doing? Why am I going there?”
I mean the only thing it was was for my pleasure, a business pleasure to meet with these people, and maybe find new people to meet up with. But I had no real part in the event. I wasn’t the speaker. I wasn’t in any of the programs or anything like that.
So I started to think:
“Is this worth it?”
“What happens if I do get ill over there?”
That will be a very big thing. So I started to feel that it just didn’t feel right.
I DID WHAT I USUALLY DO BEFORE DECIDING
So I started to do what I usually do when I want to see what’s going on, what’s good, and what’s what.
I started to write down the pros and cons and weighed them down – and it ended up with me saying:
“No, it’s not worth it.”
WHAT I DID AFTER DECIDING
After deciding that I won’t go, I told myself that I will go another time when things are better in that sense. So I canceled the flight and the hotel and the program and everything.
And if I’m being honest? It was both a relief and a sadness!
I felt relieved of all my worries, the paperwork, the what-ifs of getting ill over there, and the like, but also felt sad that I’m gonna miss meeting with these people I’ve looked forward to meeting again.
HOW DO I KNOW IF MY DECISION WAS RIGHT?
I feel it, I got rid of the “butterflies in my tummy” feeling in that sense, and I feel like I made the right decision in sitting this one out. The relief, the relief itself that I felt the moment that I canceled the trip was the major factor in knowing that I decided right.
If I go, it’s gonna cost me so much money, too much time, and even energy for ONLY THREE DAYS over there… without assurance that I can make the most out of it because of the higher possibility of getting the coronavirus since they had a higher amount of it in the place where we’re going to stay, and I couldn’t take that risk of investing so much in it only to end up getting quarantined.
THE EFFECT OF TAKING A STEP BACK
After a loooot of thinking and finally deciding to take a step back, I actually became very productive because I had a fresh perspective on the situation that actually really felt uncomfortable.
So yes, it’s all for the better.
BIG LESSON 1: DO NOT CLING TO SOMETHING
A good lesson from this one is to not cling to things.
So, sometimes we attach ourselves too much to things because we committed to something in one situation, and then the situation changes and it feels hard for us to accept because we clung too much in it, not expecting the possibility of unforeseen circumstances and changes.
LESSON # 2: DO NOT THINK OF WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WILL SAY
In my case, it was supposed to be a meetup. So what will they say if you back out at the last moment? Yes, you might hear things, but shall we really worry about those?
We spend too much time thinking about what other people will think about our decisions instead of listening inside – our gut and feelings, then in the end we end up drained – forgetting the fact that it’s something that can trigger too much stress in our body… forcing ourselves to do things that don’t feel right for us just because we’re worried about what other people will say.
But in reality, (not all) but most people only look for themselves. So what’s in it for us, right?
TIPS ON DECIDING WHETHER TO TAKE A STEP BACK
So how do you assess and decide whether it’s finally time to reset or just take a step back?
Write things down.
Have a (-) side and a (+) side on your paper.
List your pros and cons on appropriate sides.
Weigh down the results.
LISTEN TO YOUR GUT.
One thing you’ll realize when you’re writing things down is that before you even finish… your gut already tells you what it’s gonna be – and that before you finish writing things down, some answer is already at the back of your mind… and that’s the answer you’re hoping for. You just have to acknowledge and accept that inside, it’s really what you want.
REMEMBER TO NEVER LOOK BACK
What makes it hard for people to decide?
Before they even get to a decision they already start to “look back”…
Always remember, that whatever decision you make, do not look back because looking back and worrying if you did or choose the other thing instead is just going to destroy whatever’s in front of you – and we don’t like that.
Go on with what’s in front of you…
Because remember, we always have a million choices, and we can never explore all of them. Trying to do so will make us crazy and more stressed, so just try to be logical.
There are so many options that it is absolutely impossible to see which one is the one and only best. It’s impossible because of the options and how it works you can’t compare them fully, and all that, so assess, acknowledge, accept, and move forward with the decision you just made.
When things get wrong, then that’s the only time again you take a step back and think – just not ALL THE TIME because you’ll never run out of options in life.
JUST STAY IN THE PRESENT
Do not cling to the past and be eaten with your regrets, accept what’s done and cannot be changed…
At the same time, never worry too much about the future. While it’s good to be on top and be prepared for what’s ahead… Always remember that setbacks are meant to happen, and many more unexpected things that can actually change your entire planned future. So, just know those things so you won’t be eaten with disappointments when situations get out of control.
Know how to enjoy the journey, focus on the present, and see that you can make new decisions when things get out of hand.
If it feels hard to decide what you want to do on your own – go get a mentor. Reach out if you need help. It is always important and there will always be things that you can support.
GET HELP IF YOU NEED
If it feels hard to decide what you want to do on your own – get a mentor. Reach out if you need help. It is always important and there will always be things that you can support.
Check HERE to see if you feel like we’re a good fit.
I know nobody likes it, but sometimes, we just can’t stop thinking that everything is about us – or at least – that we’re always involved in just about anything in everything. Hence, our tendency to take things personally.
But hey, let’s get things straight… We all live on this planet where we’re responsible separately for our own lives, so… do we honestly think that someone would go out of their way just to do something that will set us off?
Well, would you?
DIGGING DEEPER
What I mentioned above, is exactly what I want to dig deep into today.
Like if you think the answer to either of the above is a yes, there are probably many explanations to that. One can be – we’re set to be suspicious of our surroundings so we’re set to always be defensive – considering that our ancestors were always worried if animals are about to eat them, and that’s every human’s standard setting.
OUR STANDARD SETTING – HOW WE’RE MADE
We’re generally made to be prepared to fight or flight. Remember that before anything else in this world, there were only humans and animals, and the only goal is to survive.
Given that, it only means that our instinct is to be set on the negative – so if we hear something that CAN be interpreted negatively, we either see it as a threat or something destructive automatically.
WHAT IT REALLY IS
Now that it’s clear how our instinct is set to be negative, it is sometimes mostly just in vain because most people are more occupied – with what others think of them – and not with how or what they think about you.
So no matter who we are, we will react that way at some point in our lives, regardless of who or where we hear it from – it never feels good. The only difference is, for some it happens often and for others, it doesn’t.
STEPS TO TAKE TO not take things personally
Taking things personally affects us negatively and induces stress in our lives – most of the time for no real reason.
Imagine if you could find ways around this, satisfying – right?
That’s why I have compiled a list of things to do to lessen the chances of taking everything personally.
Below is a mix of a few things I have gathered and personally done successfully.
1. Take a look at WHY you keep taking things personally.
Questions that you can ask yourself to help are:
Are you a highly sensitive person, someone who reacts with more feelings than the average person on earth?
How was your day? Did something happen or are you having a bad one?
Do you carry sorrows from the past that popped up again?
Do you feel the criticism is valid and you somehow feel bad?
Ponder a moment about these reasons – anything that comes to your mind. Putting them into this light might help you not to take it so personally next time.
Remember, awareness and acknowledgment are the first steps towards change – to know what we need to change.
But if it can’t be changed, it is time to practice acceptance. Acceptance of what cannot be changed is a great way to feel less stressed.
2. Another thing you can do is to put yourself in the other person’s shoes, and assess from their POV.
People say things a bit harsh or itchy when they themselves are not feeling all well, and at times like this most words come out without having thought about it.
I am sure you too have been in those situations at times, having one of those days but you know yourself what you realize afterward, so, it don’t hurt give them the benefit of the doubt.
So next time you feel hurt – think about their current situation and it might be clear it is not about you – instead about them.
3. Talking about being in other people’s shoes – maybe it is time to get into your own.
Take a look at what triggers you.
What are your sensitive areas in life? We usually know at heart but it is hard to say out loud. Think about why – maybe you just aren’t ready with that subject in your mind yet and don’t want others to influence you in your opinion or decisions.
Try to learn and grow. Who are you and what do you stand for? Ponder…..
4. Accept that sometimes the things you take personally are real criticism, and everyone can have differing opinions.
I know that this can be harder to take in and shrug off.
But maybe it’s a good time to reflect. See it from your point of view AND try to see it from the other person’s point of view. Maybe it’s just a clash of beliefs and ideas but nothing other than a healthy discussion?
It is not the end of the world if you don’t see eye to eye or you or someone does something wrong – as long as we all learn from it.
Remember the quote from Aristotle “There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing”.
5. If you do get criticism for something you feel was unfair – then you can ask for clarification.
So many times when people share their thoughts, differing opinions come out and debate happens – but oftentimes it’s majorly because of the lack of listening and understanding.
So instead of dwelling in your own misery and feeling pity for yourself – start a conversation. Explain to each other in the best possible way trying to avoid the usage of words that can sound offensive, you know how with an open heart and mind plus a gentle mouth, everything can be communicated?
6. Take Deep Breaths, and keep on breathing until you feel a bit at ease.
Not everyone knows, but taking deep breaths is a very powerful tool to feel calm. Feeling angry, feeling bad? Take deep breaths! Try and see how powerful it is.
Also, the best thing is to always practice this breathing tool every day – then it will pop up for you automatically when you feel stress creeping up on you.
Taking these breaths will make you grounded in the now and, that will help you see things more clearly – and maybe you then don’t need to take it personally even if it triggers you.
So practice, practice, practice – makes it perfect – or at least better.
7. Sometimes the right thing to do is to open up.
Who knows? Telling them about it might actually help so that they know how to carefully pick their words next time. And it’s a plus if they’re mature enough to see it as something not offensive (being called out) and normal.
When doing this it is good to use the method where you talk in the “I feel, I felt…” form. Saying what you felt – and not solely focusing on what they did wrong.
That way, you can keep it on a level where it doesn’t end up as a heated conversation and just keep it as it is, an open conversation.
8. Try to remember to focus on the positive. Always!
Feelings are contagious – positive and negative. Let’s focus on the positive. If you learn to tend to move towards the positive even when things go wrong or you feel hurt by someone’s doings, you will experience so many fewer moments that hurt.
The positive feeling will help you to stay calm in your mind and maybe get a moment to think and realize that the hurt is not worth it, and you can move on without going into that rabbit hole.
9. If you often feel offended by some people then maybe it is time to look at who is in your surroundings.
Like I said earlier emotions are contagious so being with people who send out the wrong emotions for you, will rub it off on you and will maybe make you feel that they are against you.
If you are spending a lot of time with a highly stressed person, you will soon also increase your level of stress. The same goes for if you spend time with happy people it is easier for you to feel happiness.
So maybe it is time for you to take a deeper look into your network AND to distance yourself from the negative ones, the ones making you feel bad (okay – don’t take this personally – not everyone is made for each other).
Sometimes it is hard to distance yourself from people because you are dependent on them or they are family.
Then you need to work with acceptance AND combine it with not getting in touch more often than necessary.
10. Last but not least – NEVER let all these feelings turn negatively towards yourself.
Remember – you live your life and everybody else lives their lives. We do need others around to feel good and secure. Best if we can find like-minded people.
Still, if you love yourself, feeling good about who you are and what you are doing will much more likely make you feel not so easily offended by others’ thoughts and you will not keep taking things personally – because you know that is not YOU.
Two words: Grief, and Memories. Two words with different meanings but will always be bound to be together as after the grief, comes the memories. The question is, are you willing to let the grief turn into beautiful recollections or let it eat you and lose yourself in the process?
MY STORY
May 27, 1987, when I was in Labor. My first child, our first child – was on her way out of me. The pregnancy had been really tough. I was very nauseated and I didn’t think that I was growing enough.
I was a medical student and the people around me told me that I was just reading too much and putting much into it, but I didn’t have any kids prior so I don’t really don’t know well. To be fair, I didn’t know of course, because it was my first pregnancy. But there was something that was kind of held off…
Anyway, back to the story – on May 12, 35 years ago… Our daughter was born and she came out tiny. Dave, my husband, ran out with her right to the intensive care just not telling us anything and after some hours I gotta see her in the breathing machine with all those needles and things all over her little body in this little glass box, and that’s where she was until when she was three weeks old.
That time was tough. I was staying in the maternity ward without a child with me so I got all the glances as if I wasn’t supposed to be there so I really had no support. It was like everybody expected me to know everything just because I was a medical student – forgetting that I was also just a new mother with a newborn who was very ill.
MY JOY AND MY GRIEF
Fast forward to when I got to bring her home – she was 3 weeks old and I was breastfeeding – everything seemed to work perfectly at the beginning. We were even able to bring her out with us for the first time in her 4th week after living her first few weeks in the hospital. Then comes the unexpected… Heart failure at seven weeks.
What in the world? I knew there was something off but I just couldn’t pinpoint what it was. I was a first-time mother but it is true after all, you get the maternal instincts immediately so you better listen to your feelings despite what others think.
Since the heart failure, it was then figured that she’s got a kidney problem caused by a genetic disorder – and the worst thing??? No treatment is available! So what were our options? Maybe a transplant, they said. But I was a medical student, and I know that the chance of that working is close to none and that we were just provided that option because everyone around me believed that everything was going to be okay.
INTO THE DEEP DARK HOLE
When she was nine weeks old, my brother who had schizophrenia for around 10 years committed suicide – my and my family’s world fell apart.
Another week went by, there were all these preparations for my brother’s funeral, and then exactly one week later on the Monday that my brother died, my baby daughter, all of a sudden died too.
What happened to me???? You’d never want to imagine. Just into a black hole – a very, very, very black hole. And that was the most stressful thing I could ever think that would happen. I was in bed for two days, and couldn’t even get out to go to my brother’s funeral.
THE GOOD SAMARITAN
Two days later, a neighbor of mine dragged me out just to go to the shop to buy some bread and share some moral lessons. Yes, that was a very tough time for me. When I was out on the streets, all the people I came across didn’t know how to treat me – like the moment they see me they’ll just go to the other side (I couldn’t blame them, maybe they did not know what to say), but of course, all I wanted was for them to say “Hi, I see you, I hear you, I am here” – but then maybe again, easier said than done.
MY FIRST STEP TO HEALING
I then grabbed one of my friends to come with me to a store – to buy my FIRST black dress. Yes, it was my first black dress as I have never in my life worn one – it just ain’t my color. So I put the black dress on, and for some reason, it felt good, like a relief.
Reason being? Grief process. As I’ve said, never in my life have I worn a black dress (blue, and shades near that are more of “me” than black is), so the feeling of wearing that black dress for the first time kind of put me in a bubble-like it was just a dream – but in reality, my first step of going through the “Grieving Process”.
My brother’s funeral… Then came the funeral of my little baby – it was beautiful. I wanted to take the casket home, but my husband reminded me to let go and keep her in a “good memory” for ourselves.
SLOWLY BUT SURELY…
We then went on a trip where I realized that it probably was the second step of my grieving process – just feeling it, but this time, beautifully and with acceptance. Do you know how soothing it feels to just be slow on the road, and be out in the wilderness? It was therapeutic: Nature, fresh air, and just getting out there to breathe.
Fast forward to a couple of months after everything – I finally was able to take my real (last) exam, got my medical license, got a job, and started working. Yay! Everything’s slowly, but surely getting better.
MY REALIZATIONS
Every day before going to sleep, I think and reflect on everything – and in the end, I decided to take care of myself, have a daily routine, eat good food, and exercise. While doing all these, I realized that “self-care” is actually my way of dealing with my stress, and can actually be considered “treatment”, or basically, a way to de-stress.
Then came the realization: If I who had all these what I could say were beyond worse experiences, was able to get out of that deep dark hole and get back up, what’s the reason others can’t?
Maybe they find it hard because they don’t know what to do, maybe they have no strong support system, or maybe, it’s just because they lack the awareness of what self-care can do.
SELF-CARE and ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
Self-care doesn’t mean doing everything by yourself. Acknowledging that you need help from other people is also a form of self-care. As the famous John Donne says, “No Man Is an Island”.
So as someone who’s committed to self-care, I scheduled sessions with a psychologist, to further help me get better by providing the necessary support that I need. As someone working in healthcare to tend to other people, I must make sure that I myself am well-cared for.
IMPORTANCE OF HONESTY
One important thing in all these is for you to remember the importance of being honest and out in the open with someone you trust who in my case was my back the psychologist.
Being honest and open just makes everything better. An unexpected strong support system comes in, and you’ll be surprised how big of a help they’re going to partake in your journey.
UNTIL ONE DAY…
You’ll just be shocked how the grief has turned into wonderful memories and beautiful stories with a lot of lessons you’re going to take with you for the rest of your life. That everything may not be back to where it’s supposed to be, but at least you know that now, it’s better.
As for me, it was a time that I could freely talk about her, and every time I mention her I imagined her photo attached to the wall together with ours – and who would have known that after that, I got three more beautiful girls.
THE LESSON
Grieving can be good, as it is the first step in the process of healing. We grieve for a lot of different things or reasons, and it may keep us from moving forward – but we must remember that nobody heals without going through its tormenting process.
Allow yourself to grieve, until you can one day accept the way things are, and then you can live with it in peace, knowing that what caused your grief once, has now turned into a beautiful recollection of the past.
YOU ARE NOT ON YOUR OWN
Whatever it is, always remember you’re not on your own and that people are just waiting for you to ask. Plus, there is no harm in asking.
We, humans, are more alike than we think, more than we can imagine.
Surprising, isn’t it?
While we all think we’re so different, we’ll be surprised with the info that we’re not.
But how’s that even possible?
To begin with, the differences are just really minor differences such as the countries we come from, the languages we talk, or our physical features.
But boil it down to beliefs, and cultures, dig deep down and we’re still more alike than different.
WHAT’S INSIDE US
We all have the same basic biology, regardless of color or gender, we’re all exactly the same inside.
The stress hormone systems that we have are all exactly the same and work the same. So really, we could all look so differently outside but looking deeper, we’re not.
HUMANS ARE HERD ANIMALS
Do you know that a person can change so much in an instant?
It’s true. Observe someone you know, and focus on how that person interacts with different types of groups, does that person act all the same?
I know a lot of people, who have different groups of people, and in one group they are quiet and more preserved because that’s the way their group works, and in the other, they’d be super energetic, doing whatever.
It’s like seeing a person with different versions, and the version depends on the crowd they are with.
Why? Because we all have our basic parrot padding and we mimic the ones we have around us. We are herd animals and we want to be like the rest of the group because that is how we are trained, how we’re taught.
Remember your childhood? You were taught to act like the adults around you.
Well, we still do that now, unconsciously, we tend to act like those who are around us.
THE SCIENCE BEHIND HUMANS
Biology is universal by logic. We were only brought up differently from childhood but in reality, we haven’t changed in 200,000 years, why would we change in a lifetime that we don’t?
“No, we are all still different, my belief is different from theirs, from yours.”
I know, that’s how it is and I’ve nothing against that. To each his own, right?
What I’m only saying is…
A belief is a choice, and at any second of the day, we can choose something different, we can change what we believe in.
If you choose to believe in something negative in the morning, you can just quickly change that and choose to believe in something positive in the afternoon.
WE HAD NO CHOICE when we were kids – that is the time in our lives when we are shaped in so many ways
TAKE LANGUAGE FOR EXAMPLE
I have always been amazed by the fact that children in other countries speak THEIR language fluently when I know how hard it is to learn a second language.
Of course, they did not speak Swedish but I did not reflect on it that way when I was younger.
Today I know that a healthy child just HAS TO learn the language spoken around them when they are babies.
That is how our biology works – they just do learn in the first couple of years – they have no stop mechanism for that.
Imagine what that means! What if I in Sweden gave birth to 5 babies – and they stayed with me they would all speak Swedish when they grew up? If the father in my family would be native English speaking, the children would be bi-lingual – not by choice but by rule. And they would have adopted the Swedish English traditions that we feed them with.
AND if we had sent those 5 babies away right after birth to 5 different continents, with totally different languages and traditions they would have no knowledge of Swedish or English and they would have totally different basic traditions in their way of living.
And if these 5 persons met in later years – they would look alike but have no common language.
Get the idea?
WE WEREN’T GIVEN MANY CHOICES, WE WERE MOLDED
What did I want to say with this: We weren’t really given much choice and we were raised and molded instead by people around us when we were kids.
But now, WE CAN CHOOSE WHO WE WANT TO BE, WE CAN EVEN CHOOSE WHO WE SURROUND OURSELVES WITH.
YOU YESTERDAY, OR YOU TODAY?
Do you want to be that person from yesterday or start finding the real you today?
No matter what, remember that despite the tiny differences we have, WE ARE MUCH MORE ALIKE.
So, be kind to one another and treat everyone with respect.
HUMANS ALIKE, THE SAME STRESS SYSTEM
Regardless of the minor differences…We all have the same stress system that steers our basic behavior.
Biology needs us to be like herd animals to survive – that makes us look for people who are alike – because with similar people we feel safer. And when we are alike we reassure each other with what we do and we do the same.
This ends up in groups that will do good and also in groups that will do bad.
Since we encourage each other in a group to do the same – by those biological laws – a group that is hostile towards others can do a lot of harm – to be accepted in the group.
WHAT WE LONG FOR
As individuals we long for appreciation, to be seen – it is a basic need to survive. First of all, appreciation of who we are, just as that.
If we don’t get that appreciation, we search for appreciation for what we do – good things, hard work, good grades, work, etc. because we want and need to be seen.
If that doesn’t work either – then we start doing bad things – just to be seen. And if necessary we do really bad things to reach the goal. Or it might end up in suicide – that is how strong this drive is.
And this basic personal need is then put into the group mechanism and we have all these tragic things going on and all the hatred towards others – just because it works this way
And all we wanted was to be seen…
WHAT HAPPENS TO OUR BRAIN WHEN STRESSED
One can say we have 3 layers in our brain system: The Reptile Brain, the Limbic System, and the Logical Brain.
The Reptile Brain stands for our automatically regulated functions – like keeping blood sugar levels right, temperature, hunger, and that heart beating – all basic functions that we cannot control with our will. It works on instinct – and when it is in charge we don’t think clearly or reflect – we just do.
The Limbic System is where our center for feelings is (aka the mammal brain). This is where our behavior is steered by feelings – like if you feel sad you feel an urge for comfort food and think of going to get some sweets or so. You do things to lessen the bad or sad feelings and it can make you do dumb things just to silence your feelings.
The Logical Brain is the one we use for all thinking, with a will, cognition, memory, processing of sensory input, and abstractions, but what’s interesting is the logical brain can quickly throw us into our mammal or reptile brains.
For example, if we read a scary part in that book it might throw us back into the mammal brain to seek comfort, go eat something for example, or it might throw us all the way into the reptile brain where we have the feeling of fear.
It is within these layers of our brain that we live and the more insecure you are the more likely it is that you are in the inner two layers – bouncing between feelings and instinct action – and this is not the place where we feel happiness or health or wealth.
Our logical brain requires a lot of energy and when we are stressed it’s the first part to shut down, which means that it turns into the mammal brain by automation and that deprives us of making conscious decisions and makes us more prone to follow old set biological programs that were installed in us in our childhood as I talked about earlier.
If we go on with the stress, we will go into the brain fog and it stops working – we then just work on instinct – we have hit the stress wall.
So, now that you can see how simple our basic biology is and still how extremely hard it is to navigate all these laws to stay healthy, less stressed, and be able to look at all other creatures = people whatever different they look like – and accept them as equal.
I’ll repeat again –
Be kind to one another and treat everyone with respect. And since all we want is to be seen… show appreciation to everyone around you.
Here’s access to a more step-by-step guide on self-development: Access Here!
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