If you tend to hold grudges, it’s time to learn to let go as letting go of your grudges lessens your stress in life and helps you achieve real happiness.
HOLDING GRUDGES
A grudge is when you have this constant feeling of resentment or ill will brought by the past memories – but in the end, up to no good.
Why? Because it constantly brings back all the negative emotions it has with it, and you feel like you’re back there all over again.
GRUDGES ARE TOXIC
Holding grudges is toxic, and at the same time – makes you toxic.
We, at some point in our lives, all have met people who deceived us, or hurt us in any way – and even after parting ways, we hold this anger or irritating feeling towards them. In the end, we get consumed by those emotions and we become toxic.
But let us face the reality.
Who loses when we hold grudges against anyone? US! Because we are allowing ourselves to lose our peace of mind from the things that are already “IN THE PAST”.
GRUDGES ARE UNHEALTHY
It’s both physically and mentally unhealthy for us to hold grudges. Grudges are like bottles full of our anger and remorse. Now when that bottle opens or breaks, we explode – and when we explode, we tend to suddenly forget what taking care of ourselves looks like.
WHY MUST WE NOT HOLD GRUDGES
If I’m going to look at some of the MANY reasons why we MUST not hold grudges… Here are my favorites:
It makes us stuck, not being able to move on.
Who wants this, right? As much as possible, we want to leave the past as it is – especially when it’s awful. But in all honesty, how are we going to do that if we can’t let go of our baggage?
It can still hurt us, BAD.
As long as we hold grudges, we’re allowing whatever or whoever to inflict the exact same amount of pain like they did the last time – and just like that, we’re back at it again, making us relive all the negative experiences over and over as if we’re in a trance.
It makes you feel like you can never trust again.
You will find it hard to trust as all you see is either black or white. You think that only two things exist: the good or the bad, forgetting that somewhere in the middle, there are a lot of beautiful reasons and possibilities.
You take it out on others.
Admit it or not, the moment you see some sign you have painted on your head after what has happened in the past – you immediately assume that everyone you see this into will automatically do the same thing to you. Hence, making you distance yourself or unconsciously be rude to them and still justify everything as an “I’m just protecting myself” kinda thing.
Sounds all bad, don’t they?
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO
Now that we’ve seen all the negative things it does to us, let’s take at our options so we can finally learn to let go of our grudges:
1. Acceptance
It already has happened, there is nothing that we can do any more or could have done, so it’s just the way that it is.
2. Forgiveness
It is admittedly hard to forgive whoever has wronged you, especially if they have done great damage.
But if I am to share a secret with you… You do not need to force yourself to forgive them, because all you need to do is…
FORGIVE YOURSELF.
Forgive yourself for letting yourself get hurt by others, or allowing them to hurt you. Forgive yourself that you failed to protect yourself from them before. Forgive yourself that you were not able to do what you think now that you should have done, let it all go… and forgive yourself.
The moment you forgive yourself fully is in reality the moment you find it easier to forgive them.
3. Remember that we are all JUST HUMANS.
We tend to get mad and irritated when we forget that we are all just humans who make wrong or bad decisions in life. Maybe they have reasons, or maybe they had no reasons and they were just in bad shape making bad decisions – regardless, we know that we have those moments too.
Maybe we overestimated them, or maybe we thought wrong of them. Whatever it is, the truth is, the majority of the disappointment always comes from people who “fail to do what we expect them to do” or people who “do what we do not expect them to do”. Let go of these, and things will be easier.
4. Do not play the role of the victim.
Now, this does not sound good at all but hear me. You are the one in control of your life, so you have the power to decide what can make you happy, and what can hurt you.
It’s time for you to tell yourself, “these types of things cannot hurt me”, and live it. Remember, YOU have the power, so do not give them an inch of it.
2 Dimensions Of Forgiveness
Forgiveness has two independent dimensions:
Intrapsychic state (letting go of inner anger and resentment), and
Interpersonal act (telling the offending person “I forgive you”).
Now, which sounds better?
Remember to always choose 1, and that the number 2 is always optional. The Intrapsychic state is for your own peace of mind. If you do not do this, you will never have peace of mind. Meanwhile, the interpersonal act may or may not benefit you – depending on how you feel. If it makes you feel better saying it, go on but if it doesn’t because you never want to be associated with the person ever again – then you do not need to.
You can always forgive silently. You are not responsible for letting them know that you do, as much as you’re never responsible for helping them break free from their personal guilt.
RELEASE YOURSELF FROM THE STRESS
All these grudges do nothing to you except stress you out.
You may have a grudge against anyone, or against yourself – but whoever it is against, it’s important for you to remember that “THE GRUDGE ONLY HURTS YOU, NOT ANYBODY ELSE”.
So in reality, it can do nothing EXCEPT hurt you more, or stress you out more.
Habit means something we do the same, all the time.
But why is it important in stress management?
During the Savannah, at about 20,000ish years ago, we live in the caves and hunt for food.
We were only equipped with 3 instincts, flight, fight, or freeze in order to fight for survival.
We hunt by the day, we sleep by the night. But there is a certain awake and sleep pattern steered by our internal clocks – the circadian rhythm.
The circadian rhythm, this system wants us to have regularity with sleep and eat and help biology perform best by making things into a routine as the way to go.
Smart, isn’t it? How biology works, us having habits so we don’t drain ourselves the energy when we do things we’re used to doing.
We just do what we do without needing to think so much or exert a lot of energy because once a thing becomes a habit – it seems so easy to be done.
ARE HABITS GOOD?
Habits are generally very good as they help us to an easier life where we do not have to think of every step we take.
An example is a morning routine, imagine the stress if we have to regularly think about every move we’re gonna make after waking up?
“I will get out of bed, then I will go to the bathroom to pee, shower, I will find my towel, I will get dressed, etc., etc.”
Imagine these details if you still have to think of them before you can do them??
So habits make life easy, right?
BUT WHY DOES IT SEEM HARD NOW?
Because unlike before where the only threats were the animals that would eat us…
Our surrounding has greatly evolved. We are not surrounded by wild animals anymore but by work stresses, financial or relationship challenges – things that cannot be solved anymore by habits, things that require thinking.
STILL, HABITS ARE STILL NUMBER 1!
Despite the above-mentioned, I’d say that habits are still the number 1 way to go today.
They make our basic life so so much easier and save us so much energy.
I would even say that many people would benefit from making more habits to go from
In our workplaces it is gold to have habits and communal structures to base all the basic actions on, setting the rules and making clear instructions, then showing them to new people in the organization so they too can get these habits so things will move smoothly.
FROM ROUTINES TO RITUALS
If you do get good routines and you keep doing them and they serve you they will turn into rituals – routines you don’t want to live without – making things flow even better.
BUT EVEN HABITS REQUIRE CHANGE
When the routines and habits don’t serve you any longer they will be a burden. They will start your stress system – knock on your back and say “Hello, I feel unease and all these stress hormones have started to run around in my bloodstream – do something!!!
The problem now is that the master in your head will keep saying – do as you always have done – we need to save energy – just keep on.
Now you need to make an active decision – use your willpower to find new ways to tackle the problem and find a new way that works better for you.
It may be some major changes in your life, or at work?
And maybe you, now when I say it can be tough – you have started to get cold feet – IS THIS REALLY POSSIBLE?
I know your instinct tells you to stay where you are because that’s where you will feel safer.
Don’t worry, it is possible if you know how! To help you get that picture of what you can do, I want to introduce you to a new way of thinking – a model of how you can see these changes work.
Remembering this can work as an anchor to stay on track.
We are wired to want everything to be easy. When we wave the magic wand, everything should fall in place, just like that. Because we long for success and happiness all the time, don’t we?
Well, that is not how it works! But it IS possible to make changes in your habits. It is even easy if you know how to. And this way of thinking works for everything you change – at work or at home.
I see Changes in life as an outer space rocket taking off. At first, the gravity is extremely strong; it takes a lot of fuel to get the rocket taken off from the ground. When it is up and comes to the outer layers of our atmosphere it goes easier and when it is out there, in the free space, it just dances away.
It is the same with Changes in life. They can be extremely hard in the beginning and you need all your willpower to not just give up and do “as usual” but they get easier the longer you stick with them.
AIM FOR A MONTH
Four weeks is said to be the time needed for a new habit to stick. It is also important what you promise to yourself.
NO OVERPROMISING
Most people tend to overpromise to change everything at once, and they think of what other people say they should change. It is just not possible to do it that way.
ONE STEP AT A TIME
You may plan a lot of changes but the only way to succeed is to make one small change at a time. And then the next one, and the next one.
Since each change takes about four weeks that add up to the possibility of a lot of changes in a year.
Also, when you start doing small changes the right way, you will see the magic happen. So many other things will follow with change just because of your new actions.
To make it even easier and fun you can tell people about what you are up to and that will work as accountability too!
LOVING THE LAST MINUTE
If you have a tendency to procrastinate when change is on the table – you are not alone. Most people dread change!
But also remember – it isn’t going to be easier or better or faster if you delay acting for change – it will still take those 4 weeks until you get at ease with your new habits – so procrastination is only chowing the problem ahead of you, so why not just get it done? “Just do it” – as Nike says!
If you’re asking why even habits change…
Just remember one of the most famous lines: “Change is the only constant thing in this world.”
If you do not know where to start or feel hard to do on your own, get yourself a mentor or check HERE to see if you’ll feel like we’re a good fit.
Sleep – a very basic activity in life and very important for better health, wellness, and even for the business.
It is a basic function regulated by our internal clocks or the circadian rhythm.
The circadian rhythm, also known as our body’s 24-hour “internal clock” that controls our body’s sleep-wake cycle, is set by biology.
It’s true that our internal clocks naturally change a bit as we age, but we still need to adjust to the rhythm we are born with.
If we violate the clocks, by staying up when they tell us to sleep, they will get out of rhythm and that is when we feel out of rhythm, that’s feeling sick.
Just think of a day after you had too little sleep… you feel drowsy and become a slow thinker.
Guess what? That happens after just one night out of rhythm.
Regardless of your perfect bedtime, the sleeping hours are important as there are consequences to face for getting inadequate sleep.
Repeatedly inadequate sleep results in a lot of problems, including, but not limited to: obesity, blood pressure increase, higher risk of cardiovascular disease, the risk for stroke and diabetes, slow memory recall, and a whole lot more.
These consequences aside from being bad for the health are also bad for the business. You couldn’t be hustling with your business if you are already too unhealthy or forgetful to do so.
THE SOLUTION
Now that we know the risks, let us discuss the solutions.
How do we get enough sleep with better quality?
First, avoid caffeine and cigarettes when it’s near sleeping time. These are stimulants and we don’t want to have much active brain stimulation if we’re gonna sleep.
Next, avoid drinking alcohol late at night. Alcohol indeed makes you feel drowsy and sleepy, but too much of it makes your sleep pattern disturbed so even though you quickly fell asleep because of drinking, you won’t get your sleep in the right order. Wonder why you wake up feeling tired even after sleeping for long hours? Bet now you know the answer.
And third, is to engage in daily physical activity as it helps the body rest and sleep better at night.
Even just 30 minutes of brisk walking will do but remember not to have the heavy physical activity done too close to bedtime so you’re not in the hype when you try to sleep.
OPTIMIZING THE SLEEP ENVIRONMENT
You can also achieve a good night’s sleep by optimizing your sleep environment, like avoiding bright lights or Television as the blue lights of those will block your most important sleep hormone, melatonin.
You can instead wind down by listening to soft music or reading nice books.
IMPORTANCE OF ROUTINE
Not everyone can sleep the moment they lie down. Some need an extra 20 minutes before falling asleep.
If you are one of those who need the extra time, use it to wind down and do it every day until your body gets used to it.
OBSERVANCE IS THE KEY
Do not forget to observe the time you go to bed, the times you wake up at night, the time you wake up in the morning and remember if you have had a good night’s sleep or not.
Maybe you can make notes about this for a week as a sleep diary. That will make you see the pattern with ease. And by seeing the pattern, you will easily know what’s going on and you can easily pinpoint the possible causes of bad sleep.
If you want to know more about how caring for yourself and managing your stress helps in elevating success, here’s a complimentary guide you can download.
“Who said it is? I don’t need one, I’ve got no time for one because I’ve got lots of things to do.”
Well, while I admire your work dedication, I worry about your body and stress levels.
I’m sure that everyone longs for vacation or at least free time for themselves, but not everyone takes one.
Why?
Because they think that if they take one, then they wasted a lot of time since instead of being on a vacation, they could be working.
But don’t you know that if you don’t take breaks at least once in a while, your body or your mind will sooner or later give up because of feeling so overwhelmed?
TAKING A VACATION CAN SAVE LIVES
Yes, in fact, it is actually life-saving to take breaks.
“Okay, that’s too much. No one dies because of not taking a vacation or not taking breaks.”
Yes, true. No one, at least not directly, but a lot of people die from too much stress, and too much stress can be lessened by taking breaks.
THE SCIENCE BEHIND STRESS
Stress is when demands are higher than what you can do when you have too much to do that you feel like it’s never-ending and you always feel like chasing around in that hamster wheel; or maybe it’s too hard to do, just a few tasks but you have no idea how to get to the end of it.
Truth is, we all have normal levels of stress always present in our body because it’s part of our normal biology and without it we’re dead.
Read that again. I said, “NORMAL” stress levels. So they are supposed to be in that state only.
But different situations arise, which then makes the number of our stress levels go up and down, and when it’s too high, that’s the only moment we feel it or get the symptoms like headaches and irritability.
When the stress levels go up, the immune system goes down. When the immune system is down, it’s easier to get sick.
So yes, again, the basic way which is taking breaks, or a vacation, can SAVE A LIFE.
REGULAR BREAKS INSTEAD OF A VACATION
If you think that a vacation is still out of reach, then the technique is taking regular breaks over the day.
Stand up from your desk, jump or dance around a little, sing, jog, exercise, or do anything that you feel like doing as long as you take a break…
Because it helps your brain and system with stress hormones. Is it getting too high? Take a breather and give it time to go down.
Once it’s back to its normal levels, you’ll be surprised at how productive you can be because you feel great.
THE POWER OF MIND
Despite all the above-mentioned, one solution is always not best for all because of personality differences.
Some people don’t like moving, and you’ll be surprised at how they deal with their stress levels.
MINDSET.
Okay, I’ll elaborate.
They ACCEPT. They set their minds and give themselves personal affirmations like:
“Okay, today is a long day and I’m gonna do something so hard but I will do my best to get it done. It will take longer than the usual but it’s okay and it will be done in time.”
This plus breathing and a positive mindset save their day.
You can choose and use which suits you best, or try mixing it up!
After all, what’s important here is being able to control and manage your stress levels properly, so that you feel LESS STRESS, GET MORE THINGS DONE RIGHT, FEEL GOOD, and in the end, HAVE MORE REVENUE BROUGHT BY YOUR POSITIVITY!
‘Where does stress come from?” What a great question, isn’t it?
When we hear this question, we immediately think of the current causes of stress. But what about its HISTORY and SCIENCE?
“Wouldn’t it be fantastic if we could eliminate stress totally?“
“Oh, easy peasy. Just take a pill against stress hormones and the levels go down to zero. And we would live happily and calmly forever after.”
Well, if you still believe that way the I hate to break it up to you BUT…
IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.
Our stress hormone system is part of life, of our normal biology, and with no stress hormones pumping around in your body –YOU ARE DEAD.
How is that… POSSIBLE?
THE STRESS THEORY
HANS SEYLE founded the stress theory in humans.
Seyle, who is a pioneer in stress research and nominated for the NOBEL PRIZE 17 times, borrowed the word “stress” from the technical world where it’s defined as “the amount of pressure any material can take before getting damaged”.
This has also been applied to our bodies, how much can our bodies take before they break? How much before our back breaks or our ankles get sprained?
When we’re talking about our bodies or our bones breaking, it all sounds normal but we haven’t until now started to talk about how much pressure our brains can take.
If it’s the brain we’re talking about, more or less it’s only “go home, sleep, and come back tomorrow”, or “rest a little and all will be fine” that we’ll get.
And in case you’re wondering, it’s probably because we can’t really see the amount of damage as we do with our limbs and back. We can’t see if it’s swollen or feel if it’s aching. There are no signs, it just suddenly happens.
And what we know – is that if it doesn’t function – it gets scary.
THE TRUTH
Truth is, stress-related brain dysfunction is NOT a mental illness but PART of NORMAL BIOLOGY.
Did you know that at the least, here in my country (Sweden), brain fog is still not as accepted as having limbing limbs?
But brain damage caused by stress today is more common than physical damage.
But how did we get this system, to begin with? Or, how did it all begin?
HISTORY OF STRESS
Let me start FROM THE BEGINNING.
Imagine yourself 200000ish years ago…
You live in a small cave, and then the savanna is spreading wide outside with all the beautiful wildlife... and you live together with a small group of other people.
You stay “indoors” and rest and sleep during the dark for 12 hours and are out working,hunting, seeking fruits, seeds and berries, when it is light for 12 hours.
In this case, you are just evolving as the modern human being from your older ancestors.
Then you are given 4 BASIC NEEDS – things you need to do TO SURVIVE in that environment.
SLEEP and REST to clear your brain and body and get rid of waste products.
EAT to get energy to your brain and body.
MOVE YOUR MUSCLES because you need them for the hunting and they are connected with your brain activity. It makes you think while you hunt – all to do the right thing in each moment – so YOU SURVIVE.
And PROCREATE– to make your RACE SURVIVE.
This is what you get and it is all regulated by your stress system set up AT THIS TIME.
THE BASIC SURVIVAL INSTINCTS
Because it’s basically survival back then, our ancestors had these 3 survival instincts:
1. Flight, or run as fast as you can away from the threat.
2. Fight, as hard as you can so you can eat, or lose then you become their food
3. Freeze, or fall down and play dead so the attacker loses interest
The ability to move around and think were the two most important tools that made the 3 instincts possible.
The system found the connection between moving and thinking to be important. Remember a time when you lose a thought and the thought came back the moment you moved? That’s what I’m talking about.
Your adrenal glands give adrenalineand noradrenaline for the acute system when we talk about life or death – eat or be eaten – fight or flight – or play dead.
And they produce cortisol for the long-term defense, the endurance.
This is it – and we can call it Version 1.0 of Human Biology.
And it was in a 1.0 surrounding on the savannah – a perfect match of systems – built in the balance!
HOW IT IS TODAY
“SO WHAT? What has this got to do with me and my stressed-out life lately?”
ALL AND EVERYTHING!
You are still – 200000ish years later, a 1.0 human being– functioning very primitively, like when your threats were wild animals and you were struggling to get food.
But now you live in a 5.0 or even 10.0 world.A 24/7 society with endless possibilities.
This is the challenge, what we have to overcome, overlap, or count into the equation on what to do now.
We need to tackle this in a totally different way.
“Food is given around the clock and you sit on your sofa as a potato and grow fat and stale. All the challenges you have at work need new solutions, and it is not okay to run away or smash your boss in the face when they ask you to do more work than you can handle – or fall to the floor and play dead for that matter.”
This is what we need to have in mind, this is why we feel this stressful time. And this is also why we tackle these challenges in such a clumsy way.
We function on reflex and want a solution NOW.But NOW does not always work in this world.
Still, we are swamped with quick fixes – “the market” has figured it all outsell stuff for immediate satisfaction – apps, gadgets, pills, alcohol, medication, drugs, and the like.
They might make us calm for a momentbut mostly they give us one more thing to keep track of.
What to do instead?
BACK TO BASICS
Look back to where we came from, how we are made to function, and adjust to that.
What is your most burning question about stress as a business leader?
You go to work every day. That is where you spend most of your awake time, especially if you are the boss. Shouldn’t that be feeling good, or even great most of the time?
Does it? Be honest with yourself.
Remember my last blog post, stating that 26% of the leadership felt uneasy about going to work, and over 40% in the tax paid systems workplaces.
Sad. Isn’t it? And scary.
Some years ago I asked a group of leaders: “What is your most burning question about stress?“
I got A LOT of interesting questions. And this one is not solvable in the easy way BUT it certainly needs to be addressed:
The question that I got was: “What can I do when the stress is not caused by me but by someone else who puts me in that situation?”
Honestly, it’s not very uncommon. We hear people most of the time complaining about something they didn’t even cause.
“I can’t control my situation! It’s absolutely unmanageable! My boss puts all the problems on my shoulders! My employees don’t do what they are supposed to! I always end up doing everything! My spouse has unrealistic expectations, and someone else always puts me in an overload!”
“I feel like a victim. The overload is killing me.”
Sounds familiar?
Okay, don’t get me wrong. Those situations are definitely normal. There is no quick fix or a one-for-all kind of solution as there will always be different solutions for everyone.
BUT what I can see, is the SAME PATTERN in all of them. You feel the threat from someone else’s problems – one way or another.
One step to clarity is to write about it. Laying it all down is a very good way to get clear on things, and you need it to know why things happen over and over again.
It is not about blaming yourself or someone else, but it is about the fact of what is. Put down all the pluses and minuses you find, and then organize them into themes. Ponder and rearrange if needed.
Depending on what pops up, the next step will be different for each and one of you.
It could be to talk to the person you find “dumping” their world on you. That could be your boss, your colleagues, your spouse, or whoever it was who did not see the pattern.
On the other hand, you might need to take drastic actions such as leaving your job or your spouse. Because you can not change them, you can only change yourself. If things end up in much more drastic actions, it might be good to ask for help.
The next question is completely different: “Is stress aging me? I feel like I aged 10 years last year! I feel tired like an old man/woman and I am still just in my thirties.”
The short answer is – YEP.
The longer version is yes, probably – if you are stressed for a long time. Short moments of stress are part of natural life. In fact, no one can claim they are never stressed, or they are lying.
Consequently, long-term stress will affect your immune system and cause many diseases, including bad skin, making you look older!
Also, it puts you at risk to get cardiovascular disease, stroke, hypertension, obesity to name a few. And not to mention, depression.
The #1 solution to this question is:Take breaks, lots of short breaks every day, or a long break in a month. Let your brain rest and your body relax and you will keep your stress hormone levels on a normal, healthy level – then you can function smoothly again. And you will get just as much done since you will do it right the first time.
The last question I want to share today is connected with the previous question: “Can I recover from long-term stress and regain my health?”
The answer to this is also YES.
Yes, you can recover and of course, it depends on how long it has been going on and if you have developed any irreversible damage. BUT IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS – you can REGAIN YOUR HEALTH and you can at least stop the progress of the chronic disease.
This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish.AcceptRead More
Privacy & Cookies Policy
Privacy Overview
This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are as essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
