Where do all the lonely people come from?

by Annika Sorensen | | Stress

Where do lonely people come from?

How did this question even hit my head? 

Well, I have this song dear to my heart…I was one of those big Beatles fans and there’s this song that hit me as it’s so different from all the general love and rock songs.

“The lonely people, where do they all come from? All the lonely people, where do they belong? Ah, look at all the lonely people…” – sounds familiar?

For me, this song has a very serious message.

ANDER HANSEN’S THE DEPRESSED BRAIN

I have been reading Anders Hansen’s “The Depressed Brain” lately and one chapter from this book has really good insights about loneliness… and I thought it’s worth sharing them.

Let’s begin.

Imagine a medical state that affects more than a third of us and for one out of twelve is as tough and dangerous as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.  There is one, and it’s called loneliness.

It’s one of the most surprising discoveries within medical science, finding that friends and family not only give life meaning but also prolongs life and helps us stay healthy.

Amazing, isn’t it?

The sad backside is that the lack of human connections gives the risk of illness.

WHAT IS LONELINESS?

To start with, let’s define loneliness.

What is it really?

The somewhat odd medical dry definition is a worry-producing difference between being asked for and a factual perceived level of social connection.

That shows an important fact… that loneliness is the difference between how many social connections we have and how many we want to have.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE LONELY?

It is not a fixed number of Facebook friends, dinner party invitations, phone calls, etc., and differs from person to person. Take me for example, I am perfectly happy in my own companion for long hours and don’t need that many people around me to feel happy whereas some people I know almost panic if they need to be by themselves for a few hours.

THE FEELING OF BEING LONELY IS SUBJECTIVE

The experience, the feeling of loneliness is subjective and not the same thing as being by yourself. We can feel a real closeness to others even if we are by ourselves and also feel very lonely and isolated in a crowd.

So… If you feel lonely, you are lonely. And if you don’t feel lonely, you are not lonely – regardless of what your social life looks like.

It is all about your subjective feeling.

Now, don’t freak out if you feel lonely for some time now and then. It will only affect your health if it has been ongoing for months or years. To be frank, loneliness is a natural part of our biology and it’s unrealistic to believe that you can live a whole life without it.

Let me share something…

RESEARCH ON LONELINESS

A group of researchers tested 5000 people in Australia, 50 years being their mean age on their feelings in small and big groups. 2 years later, the same people answered the same questions but already took into consideration the changes that have happened within two years. 

Now, that same research shows that some people who were showing signs of depression at the first round of testing showed fewer such signs after joining groups and gaining more social connections.

LONELINESS AND DEPRESSION: WHICH COMES FIRST?

There’s also this ongoing question of whether loneliness or depression comes first… and research concludes that it’s the former and that if you break the loneliness, then your chances of getting out of depression is higher.

Another big research following people over 12 years showed that 20% of all depressions were caused by loneliness and that loneliness not only affects the mind but also the body.

CAN BEING LONELY KILL YOU?

Would you believe that when the researchers looked at how some people with heart diseases died sooner than the rest of them, they saw that some patients didn’t just die because of the diseases – but also from loneliness?

The same results were shown with women with breast cancer – the ones who isolated themselves had higher risks. Studies on the overall risk of dying show that loneliness is a very important factor to have in mind.

OUR AUTONOMIC NERVE CELL SYSTEMS

So why is it like this?

Most of our body functions are steered by autonomic nerve cell systems. 

This involuntary system has two settings – the sympathetic and the parasympathetic.

The sympathetic is our stress system – fear, fight, and flight.  While the parasympathetic system energy goes to the calm, and, digestion of your food. 

Parasympathetic is activated when you breathe slowly.

Both of these systems are constantly active in our bodies, and which one is dominant depends on the current situation we’re in.

When you run for the bus and have that important presentation at work, your sympathetic system rules. But when that presentation is over and you eat lunch after, the parasympathetic system rules.

One would think that the parasympathetic system is more active when you are lonely because you have all the time for yourself and nobody to fight against. But oddly enough, it’s actually quite the opposite. 

LONELINESS AND SYMPATHETIC SYSTEM

Loneliness… triggers the sympathetic system and is connected to fight and flight rather than the calm or digestion of food.

Further research shows that loneliness makes us see the world and other people as more threatening, so we become sensitive to people’s faces and interpret rather towards the negative or the neutral expression.

Our brains amazingly develop sensitivity for these signs and see the world as hostile.

LIVE A GOOD AND LESS STRESSED LIFE

I know it already sounds depressing as it is, but my mission is to help people understand how it works and what we can do to live a good and less stressed life.

So with all this information, here’s  a list of what you can do:

1. Take loneliness seriously.

Look for the signs. When you feel low, find that last glimpse of energy to call someone if necessary, or take a brisk walk to clear your mind and be able to think on your next move.

2. Find a solid support system.

If you often feel lonely, find a solid support system you can lean on. Join any group/organization that spikes up your interest, or find a group with the same hobbies as you. This way, you can do something you love and share your passion with other people. This can be a good way to start with – and the rest will come.

3. Help others.
   
   If you are lonely, that doesn’t mean that you can’t help anyone. In fact, you can even help yourself by helping others who need help. Through helping, your brain gets rewarded with the feel-good hormones and it can make you happy. Once it has put you into positivity, you’ll be shocked with the energy and the effects it can give you.. You surely will end up helping more because it makes you feel so good and happy. You know what they say? There is always joy in helping. 

If you know people around you who are lonely, do not frown because you can still help them.

Did you know that if someone is lonely, one tiny act can light up their mood and spread positivity? There’s a lot you can do, and here are some:

Send them a postcard.

Getting a real snail mail post is scarce today and admit it – when you get one, you feel special. What makes you think they won’t?

Give them a call.

A phone call means a lot. Did you know that there was a study conducted for 240 people who lived alone where they received phone calls from a group of young people for just 10 minutes and only twice a week, and after 4 weeks the loneliness scale of these people went 20% lower?

Be kind.

You never go wrong with this one. You don’t know who among the faces you see fight a deep battle within, so saying kind words matter. A guy’s with you in the elevator? Smile and wish him a nice day. A girl sitting with you on the bus? Smile and greet them good morning. You’d be shocked to see that these tiny acts of gesture mean a lot and go a long way. You’d be shocked with the smiles you see on their faces.

Simple, but helpful.
Start your process for less stress in your life!

To winning against loneliness,

Stay In the PRESENT: Do Not Look Back!

by Annika Sorensen | | Stress

Why is it important to stay in the present and not look back?

Last week, I posted about stress in the middle of family time and one of the things I mentioned was about the memories from the past, and the no-good it brings.

Sure, while it’s fun to reminisce and all because good memories are always to treasure, you must remember to stay in those good memories and refrain from remembering the bad, and NEVER the “what ifs”. NEVER REGRET.

Why am I saying this?

MAJOR TURNING POINTS IN LIFE

When you are at a turning point in life – like the New Year celebration coming up every year – you always want to look back to see how it was before.

This does not only apply to New Year. It also works for any changes like changing schools, changing work, changing relationships, changing homes, or just about any turning point in life. You always want to look back and see what happened..

That is not a good practice, as this is where comparisons are done… This is where what-ifs are done.

REFLECT ON THE PRESENT AND NOT ON THE PAST

What we really need is to reflect on the present so we can make use of it to plan our future and be happy and successful.

“But I look in the past to use it as an inspiration that if that didn’t happen I wouldn’t be where I am right now.”

That is great! 

However, generally, not everyone can do that as our brains are naturally wired for the negatives, set to focus on them to avoid dangers, like a survival instinct – to see the enemy before they see you.

Remember my post about surviving in savannah 200000ish years ago and how our biology didn’t change much but only the world? That’s it.

LESSONS, NOT EMOTIONS

So for looking back, thoughts must be controlled with all of the willpower that you have. Always remember to only get the lessons, but never get back on the emotions.

Once you have the lessons, use them in the now, and you can also start to look forward. What do you want? And although it’s not always obvious what we want, we still can as we always have a vague idea of what it could be.

What only stops most people is the fear – fear of the unknown, fear of failure. 

The uncertainty is always huge so fear shows up in all its glory, but as most risk-takers have said, “You really wouldn’t know unless you try”. right?

GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE

Getting out of your comfort zone is where you grow, and the trick to get by your thoughts is always to stay in the now.

Be in this moment right here, as both the past and the future are just thoughts in your mind.

You cannot get back to the past, and the future has not yet happened – enjoy the process and see where it will take you.

There is no shortcut to success. Behind it is multiple times of failure, it’s just a matter of letting it win over you or trying again.

WHAT IS YOUR GOAL?

The key is…

TO HAVE A GOAL AND TO WORK ON IT EVERY DAY.

Once you have a goal, once you’ve found your purpose and your practice working on them every day…

They will become habits that you do not mind doing every day and one day, you’ll just be shocked that from the bottom you’ve now reached the top!

Set a goal outside of your comfort zone and watch yourself slowly grow…

BABY STEPS MATTER

And if your goal seems hard to achieve, remember that BABY STEPS MATTER. If you are patient and consistently work on your goal and just enjoy the process, you’ll be there without you even realizing it.

You can start with 5 first action points, and the rest will show up as you go along.

When something is into your subconscious already, your mind makes you act on it. 

So, keep it at this base – TODAY – and take small steps.

To your success and keep smiling,

Taking a Step Back: Your Guide to Gaining Clarity

by Annika Sorensen | | Stress

In the high-paced world of executive leadership, taking a step back may seem counterproductive, even like falling behind. Yet, stepping back is often the most strategic move you can make to regain clarity, reduce stress, and align your actions with your long-term vision.

Why Taking a Step Back Matters for Leaders

Leadership comes with relentless pressure: meeting deadlines, managing teams, and constantly staying ahead. However, the concept of taking a deliberate pause isn’t about slowing down but recalibrating.

I recently experienced this firsthand. After months of preparing for an international event, I faced unexpected complications—health waivers, pandemic risks, and a long list of logistical headaches. Initially, I ignored my gut feeling that something wasn’t right. But as the date approached, I chose to step back and evaluate. Why was I going? Was it worth the risk, time, and energy? The decision to cancel wasn’t easy but ultimately brought immense relief and clarity.

For executives, stepping back allows you to:

• See the bigger picture and reassess priorities.
• Reduce burnout by aligning actions with what truly matters.
• Make well-informed decisions instead of reactive ones.

The Power of a Pros-and-Cons List

One practical method I use to make tough decisions is creating a pros-and-cons list. Writing things down provides a tangible way to weigh your options. Often, your gut instinct surfaces even before you finish.

Ask yourself:

• What’s the worst-case scenario if I don’t proceed?
• How does this decision align with my personal and professional goals?
• Will this decision relieve or add to my stress?

By stepping back and reflecting, I avoided a costly trip that would have left me drained, both emotionally and financially. Instead, I gained time to focus on meaningful tasks that moved my goals forward.

Lessons from Stepping Back

1. Don’t Cling to Commitments: Circumstances change, and clinging to outdated plans often leads to unnecessary stress. Reassess your commitments regularly and let go of those that no longer serve your goals.
2. Stop Worrying About Perceptions: Many leaders hesitate to step back, fearing judgment from colleagues or clients. The reality? Most people are focused on their own priorities. Trust your decision-making process and focus on outcomes, not opinions.

Tips for Executives: When to Take a Step Back

• Identify Triggers: If you’re feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, or stuck in a decision loop, it may be time to pause.
• Seek Clarity: Write down your options, consult with trusted mentors, or discuss with your team.
• Trust Your Gut: Often, the right decision becomes clear once you remove external noise and focus inward.

Moving Forward After Taking a Step Back

After taking a step back, resist the urge to second-guess your decision. Commit fully to your choice and channel your energy into the present. Remember, you can always adjust your course as new information becomes available.

Taking a step back isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a powerful strategy for sustainable success. By embracing this mindset, you can lead with greater clarity, resilience, and focus.

To your success—and keep smiling! If you’re looking for guidance on managing stress or making impactful decisions, check out my free eBook here.

What’s your experience with stepping back? Share in the comments—I’d love to hear your story!