Where do lonely people come from?
How did this question even hit my head?
Well, I have this song dear to my heart…I was one of those big Beatles fans and there’s this song that hit me as it’s so different from all the general love and rock songs.
“The lonely people, where do they all come from? All the lonely people, where do they belong? Ah, look at all the lonely people…” – sounds familiar?
For me, this song has a very serious message.
ANDER HANSEN’S THE DEPRESSED BRAIN
I have been reading Anders Hansen’s “The Depressed Brain” lately and one chapter from this book has really good insights about loneliness… and I thought it’s worth sharing them.
Let’s begin.
Imagine a medical state that affects more than a third of us and for one out of twelve is as tough and dangerous as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. There is one, and it’s called loneliness.
It’s one of the most surprising discoveries within medical science, finding that friends and family not only give life meaning but also prolongs life and helps us stay healthy.
Amazing, isn’t it?
The sad backside is that the lack of human connections gives the risk of illness.
WHAT IS LONELINESS?
To start with, let’s define loneliness.
What is it really?
The somewhat odd medical dry definition is a worry-producing difference between being asked for and a factual perceived level of social connection.
That shows an important fact… that loneliness is the difference between how many social connections we have and how many we want to have.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE LONELY?
It is not a fixed number of Facebook friends, dinner party invitations, phone calls, etc., and differs from person to person. Take me for example, I am perfectly happy in my own companion for long hours and don’t need that many people around me to feel happy whereas some people I know almost panic if they need to be by themselves for a few hours.
THE FEELING OF BEING LONELY IS SUBJECTIVE
The experience, the feeling of loneliness is subjective and not the same thing as being by yourself. We can feel a real closeness to others even if we are by ourselves and also feel very lonely and isolated in a crowd.
So… If you feel lonely, you are lonely. And if you don’t feel lonely, you are not lonely – regardless of what your social life looks like.
It is all about your subjective feeling.
Now, don’t freak out if you feel lonely for some time now and then. It will only affect your health if it has been ongoing for months or years. To be frank, loneliness is a natural part of our biology and it’s unrealistic to believe that you can live a whole life without it.
Let me share something…
RESEARCH ON LONELINESS
A group of researchers tested 5000 people in Australia, 50 years being their mean age on their feelings in small and big groups. 2 years later, the same people answered the same questions but already took into consideration the changes that have happened within two years.
Now, that same research shows that some people who were showing signs of depression at the first round of testing showed fewer such signs after joining groups and gaining more social connections.
LONELINESS AND DEPRESSION: WHICH COMES FIRST?
There’s also this ongoing question of whether loneliness or depression comes first… and research concludes that it’s the former and that if you break the loneliness, then your chances of getting out of depression is higher.
Another big research following people over 12 years showed that 20% of all depressions were caused by loneliness and that loneliness not only affects the mind but also the body.
CAN BEING LONELY KILL YOU?
Would you believe that when the researchers looked at how some people with heart diseases died sooner than the rest of them, they saw that some patients didn’t just die because of the diseases – but also from loneliness?
The same results were shown with women with breast cancer – the ones who isolated themselves had higher risks. Studies on the overall risk of dying show that loneliness is a very important factor to have in mind.
OUR AUTONOMIC NERVE CELL SYSTEMS
So why is it like this?
Most of our body functions are steered by autonomic nerve cell systems.
This involuntary system has two settings – the sympathetic and the parasympathetic.
The sympathetic is our stress system – fear, fight, and flight. While the parasympathetic system energy goes to the calm, and, digestion of your food.
Parasympathetic is activated when you breathe slowly.
Both of these systems are constantly active in our bodies, and which one is dominant depends on the current situation we’re in.
When you run for the bus and have that important presentation at work, your sympathetic system rules. But when that presentation is over and you eat lunch after, the parasympathetic system rules.
One would think that the parasympathetic system is more active when you are lonely because you have all the time for yourself and nobody to fight against. But oddly enough, it’s actually quite the opposite.
LONELINESS AND SYMPATHETIC SYSTEM
Loneliness… triggers the sympathetic system and is connected to fight and flight rather than the calm or digestion of food.
Further research shows that loneliness makes us see the world and other people as more threatening, so we become sensitive to people’s faces and interpret rather towards the negative or the neutral expression.
Our brains amazingly develop sensitivity for these signs and see the world as hostile.
LIVE A GOOD AND LESS STRESSED LIFE
I know it already sounds depressing as it is, but my mission is to help people understand how it works and what we can do to live a good and less stressed life.
So with all this information, here’s a list of what you can do:
- Take loneliness seriously.
Look for the signs. When you feel low, find that last glimpse of energy to call someone if necessary, or take a brisk walk to clear your mind and be able to think on your next move.
- Find a solid support system.
If you often feel lonely, find a solid support system you can lean on. Join any group/organization that spikes up your interest, or find a group with the same hobbies as you. This way, you can do something you love and share your passion with other people. This can be a good way to start with – and the rest will come.
- Help others.
If you are lonely, that doesn’t mean that you can’t help anyone. In fact, you can even help yourself by helping others who need help. Through helping, your brain gets rewarded with the feel-good hormones and it can make you happy. Once it has put you into positivity, you’ll be shocked with the energy and the effects it can give you.. You surely will end up helping more because it makes you feel so good and happy. You know what they say? There is always joy in helping.
If you know people around you who are lonely, do not frown because you can still help them.
Did you know that if someone is lonely, one tiny act can light up their mood and spread positivity? There’s a lot you can do, and here are some:
Send them a postcard.
Getting a real snail mail post is scarce today and admit it – when you get one, you feel special. What makes you think they won’t?
Give them a call.
A phone call means a lot. Did you know that there was a study conducted for 240 people who lived alone where they received phone calls from a group of young people for just 10 minutes and only twice a week, and after 4 weeks the loneliness scale of these people went 20% lower?
Be kind.
You never go wrong with this one. You don’t know who among the faces you see fight a deep battle within, so saying kind words matter. A guy’s with you in the elevator? Smile and wish him a nice day. A girl sitting with you on the bus? Smile and greet them good morning. You’d be shocked to see that these tiny acts of gesture mean a lot and go a long way. You’d be shocked with the smiles you see on their faces.
Simple, but helpful.
Start your process for less stress in your life!
To winning against loneliness,
